I'll Be Right With You
In the cold light of morning, Ethan was awoken by his two rescued mix-terriers in his modest urban loft. He groggily threw on some thrift-store-bought clothes, walked the dogs, tended to his mustache, and rode his vintage Schwinn to the Apple Store. Ethan had been a reluctant salesperson for almost five months.
As he arrived for work, he greeted Aurora on his way to the floor and told a few customers he would be with them soon. After a quick kombucha, he made his social-media rounds and then wandered back to the most impatient-looking of all the waiting customers. He told the exasperated man and his wife they should be next and then asked how he could help the girl standing behind them.
“I was thinking about upgrading my Apple Phone,” the girl suggested, holding up a shattered screen as supporting evidence. Naturally, she had already decided exactly which phone she wanted in the time she spent waiting. Ethan resisted the temptation to correct the name of the most popular cell phone ever made and began the cursory run-down of features and comparisons. The girl obliged before confirming her selection and Ethan walked her through the purchase and on to the Personal Setup Table. Ethan took pause to eye the crowd in the area, who collectively followed the progress of their devices in dumb anticipation.
Ethan’s next customer was the dad he had seen warning his kids not to break anything as they slobbered all over a $1200 iPad. “What are we looking for today, Sir?” Ethan managed. “Awww, Sir is my dad’s name. Call me Ron!!” the delusional forty-something jovially barked. “I’m considering getting one of these iWatches. I’ve got enough gift cards, I think, but I just don’t know if I’ll use it enough. Can you do email on this thing?” Ethan forced a smile and said, “Yes, Sir, the latest Apple Watch is capable of handling email and many other apps I’m sure you would enjoy having conveniently available, with or without your phone clipped on your snazzy belt.”
While Ron rambled on about doing email and the new fitness program he was planning to start, Ethan felt an anger descending all around him, filling his shoulders with burning rocks and pulling at the hairs on his neck. After brusquely confirming the Apple Watch did have both “Wireless and Internet on it,” he claimed to be needed in the back and urgently escaped.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Aurora,” Ethan confided. “Do these people realize how easy it is to look this stuff up on their phones? If you want to know if Siri is a real person, ask Siri! I swear, if one more person asks me where the iCloud is, I am going to LOSE IT.” Ethan felt his phone vibrate. Aurora had responded with an adorable kitten meme, which he had to admit did make him feel a little better. Ethan took a ten-minute break to meditate, then returned to the floor refreshed.
He was coping much better for awhile until he met his last customer of the day. Mary was a 74-year-old woman shopping for a laptop as a graduation gift for her granddaughter. Ethan let it go when she called it an “Air Book” and smiled when she wondered “if it had all the iTunes on it and everything.” However, when Mary asked if her granddaughter would be able to do email with it, Ethan punched the old woman in the face.
He stood over her lifeless body and shouted, “YES. YES, it will DO EMAIL!!”
The scene fell silent as all the shoppers, employees, and even the four dogs in the store looked on in horror. Thankfully, Mary wasn’t seriously hurt. She got back to her feet, composed herself, and suggested Ethan seek professional help and a personal trainer. Hunter helped her finish buying her granddaughter’s new MacBook Air while Ethan and the store manager went in the back to calm Ethan down and give him a chance to share his truth.
Ultimately, Ethan was sent to the corporate wellness self-healing retreat known as “Reboot Camp” before being reassigned to the Genius Bar. He spends most of his day texting Aurora and doing email.
· Written for “A Salesman Loses Their Cool”