Be Gentle
It all started as a dumb joke. Actually, I’m not sure it even qualifies as a joke, but it certainly wasn’t meant to be taken seriously.
After trying to ignore some guys at lunch going on and on about “making America great again,” I finally couldn’t help myself and I just blurted it out: ”You know he and some of his friends burned down a church when they were in Prep school, right?”
Naturally, my exclamation was met with immediate protest, so I began to embellish my spontaneous outburst with a web of fabricated but thoughtful details. I spoke solemnly about the poor groundskeeper who had been trapped in the basement during the fire. I raved with spectacular disdain over the injustice bought with highly-paid lawyers and influential parents. I confidently recounted the swift cover-up that kept the story quiet and out the media with the bravado of a seasoned conspiracy theorist.
Quite satisfied with myself and my little prank, I abruptly went back to work and on with my life. Imagine my surprise when I saw the trending headline on social media the next morning. Apparently, one of the gentlemen from lunch runs a surprisingly popular blog about finding Jesus in a hunting blind, or something to that effect.
I immediately began to retrace the steps of the conversation, paranoid that I might have left some clue to my identity. I remembered claiming to be just as American as any of them and not “a G.D. socialist,” contrary to their collective appraisal, but I was fairly certain I had not given my name or place of business.
As the news cycle played out and the outraged rhetoric reached its high-water mark, the discourse settled on finding the source of the allegations and levying a full investigation.
I have never felt that level of panic. I remain in that state as I write this in the food court of the West Davis Mall, trying to act natural while scanning the room for anyone seeming to act natural for my benefit. If you’re reading this, I assume you work for the FBI, so be gentle. It wasn’t meant to be taken seriously.
Written for “ Notice Someone Trying To Act Normal”