The Sprinklers
“Good afternoon,” Jaime shouted into the phone. “Yeah, hi, I’m planning to install a sprinkler system, so I’m just calling to see if there is anything I need to do before I start digging,” the man on the phone explained. “Well,” Jaime answered, “how experienced are you with this sort of thing?” The man chuckled a bit and admitted he’d never done anything like it before. “Do you think this is a good idea, sir?” Jaime asked. “Honestly, I didn’t think so at first, but I watched several videos about it, and it seems fairly straightforward. Anyway, the first thing I’m supposed to do is call before I dig, so that’s what I’m doing. Are you going to send a crew over, or what happens next?” he wondered, already growing impatient. “What’s your name, sir?” Jaime asked, ignoring the question. “Evan,” Evan replied.
“Evan, I like to know the person planning to dig is prepared before anything else happens. Suppose a crew comes over there to flag your yard, but you make a mistake anyway. You could tear up your yard, cause a gas leak, and electrocute yourself all because you decided to install sprinklers you never needed in the past. Do you feel like that would be a good use of city resources?” Evan cleared his throat and considered Jaime’s hypothetical. “I Just don’t see any of that happening,” he decided. “What sort of machinery are you planning to use for the job?” Jaime asked. “Um, I don’t know. A shovel, I thought,” Evan said tentatively. “Be serious, sir,” Jaime said sarcastically. “Listen, have you considered using one of those oscillating sprinklers you screw onto a hose? The dance move one.”
Evan explained that he already had one of those, but he was tired of moving it around the yard. His wife used to do it for them in the mornings, but she left him a few months ago. “It must be hard having that reminder that she’s gone every day,” Jaime acknowledged. “Well, every other day, but yes,” Evan admitted. “On the other hand, it also sounds like you’ve been thinking of her and maybe appreciating some of the little things she used to do for you—things you probably took for granted. You obviously miss her. You should call her and tell her.”
As Evan considered Jaime’s unsolicited advice, Danny burst through the door rather loudly. “Who are you talking to, Dingdong?” Danny shouted before turning on the TV. Evan quickly asked, “Who was that? Did he call you Dingdong?” Jaime rushed to the other room and explained that Danny was his roommate and apologized. “Is this 713-DIG-LINE?” Evan asked excitedly. Jaime sighed and confessed. “No, sir. I have a very similar number and I get these calls all the time. It’s good that you called me though. You need to forget about the sprinklers for now and get your wife back.”
Angry and annoyed, Evan shouted, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, pretending to be the Dig Line guy! I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to impersonate a city official. I just wanted to put in some sprinklers and now you’ve got me all confused.” Walking back into the living room to have a Hot Pocket with Danny, Jaime concluded, “Just think about what I said. Good luck, sir.”
--Written for “Call Before you Dig”